Daily Gleaner 2006
February 25th, 2006
Violence and dating: what teens and parents need to know
By LAVERNE STEWART (lstewart@dailygleaner.com)
Young love can be a heady and romantic time in a teen’s life.
A healthy, loving relationship is based on mutual respect, listening, negotiation and compromise. It never involves control, fear, verbal, emotional or physical abuse.
Amanda Densmore knows this. Densmore understands what makes a healthy relationship - she learned this at home by watching her parents.
"I’ve always been taught hitting someone is wrong and calling someone names or putting someone down is wrong."
The Grade 12 Harvey High School student isn’t dating now but many of her friends are involved in steady relationships.
For the past three years she’s been helping other teens at her school understand the difference between healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships.
In 2003 she took part in something called the Making Waves program. Densmore says she and others at the school have taught their peers to recognize healthy relationships, unhealthy ones and the many forms of abuse. Part of the effort involves a play called The Many Faces of Abuse. Some kids have told her the information helped them to see they might be involved in unhealthy relationships.
"Not everyone knows they are in an unhealthy relationship if they are. Through this program they might be able to recognize it and know the abuse isn’t their fault," says Densmore.
The provincial teen dating violence prevention program was started 11 years ago by several women working in this province’s transition homes for victims of abuse.
"They wanted to stop the cycle of violence and they decided the best way to do this was to aim their program at teens just as they were starting to date", says the program’s director, Julie Rioux.
Since 1995, over 1,000 teens have gone through the Making Waves program and thousands more have benefitted from the information they’ve shared.
The goal is to prevent violence in relationships.
"It is working. We’ve consistently had positive feedback from all of the participants. Our programs are peer-based. We do really try to empower youth to make a difference and to try and prevent violence."
Getting the message about healthy dating relationships to teens is more effective when coming from peers than adults, Rioux says. Usually the first person a victim of violence goes to is a friend. So it’s important friends know how to deal with this, she adds.
Teens need to know what a healthy relationship is, she says. But a lot of people involved in abusive relationships may not recognize it as such. If they do, they might not know where to turn for help.
This help, Rioux says, can come from friends, guidance counsellors, school health nurses and help lines such as CHIMO, the Kids Help Line, and the Fredericton Sexual Assault Crisis Centre. Lorraine Whalley is the executive director of the centre. One of the first places teens see healthy or unhealthy relationships is at home, she says.
"If they grow up watching parents with healthy communication and respect then this is the model they will be expecting when they look for a dating relationship. This can be a problem if they aren’t seeing healthy relationships at home from their parents."
Healthy, unhealthy or abusive relationships can also be seen through friends, other family members or through the media.
A relationship, Whalley says, should enhance who you already are. Healthy relationships begin with two independent individuals with their own interests and friendships, she says. Often people will go into relationships thinking they can fix what’s wrong to with the other person.
"You don’t go into a relationship expecting to change the other person and you wouldn’t expect them to want to change you."
It’s wonderful to be able to discover new things about yourself through someone else but you shouldn’t expect your partner to fill voids in your life, she says.
There are many warning signs to look for when you meet someone who may be toxic. Jealousy, possessiveness, violence, verbal abuse, someone who ignores your personal space or who refuses to accept sexual limits.
"When you’re looking at a potential boyfriend or girlfriend do they listen to you, does it feel OK when you disagree. Are you able to make decisions equally?"
A loving relationship shouldn’t mean you spend most of your time hurt, sad, disappointed or afraid, she adds.
Never ignore abusive behaviour. It only gets worse over time, Whalley warns. Abuse doesn’t start off violent. It starts with small things, such as minor controlling behaviour and name calling, she explains. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.
"The victim doesn’t do anything wrong. They don’t cause the abusive behaviour. It’s important to understand no one has the right to hurt you for any reason. Recognize yourself as a worthy person who deserves to be treated with respect."
The CHIMO help line receives many calls from teens who want to talk about relationship issues. The help line’s crisis interveners provide a friendly ear.
"Sometimes it’s hard to talk to family and friends," says executive director Lindsay Manuel. Teens may be feeling pressure to have sex, some young women call because they’ve been the victims of a sexual assault. While the help line is here to listen, it doesn’t give advice.
"We give people an opportunity to talk and we are able to link them up to a specific resource."
Some behaviour can be criminal in nature and should be dealt with through the legal system says Public Legal Education and Information Service spokesperson Deborah Doherty.
"No controlling behaviour is OK. Just because someone is your partner doesn’t mean this behaviour should be tolerated."
Julia Bannister works with children and teens at Family Enrichment & Counselling Services of Fredericton.
Often counsellors here talk with parents who are concerned about their child’s dating relationships.
"They’re noticing changes in their teen’s behaviour at home. They’re withdrawing from their family, becoming secretive, rude, starting to be away from home more often and not saying where they’re going. A lot of the time they even notice changes in their clothing and music."
Often parents don’t know who their child is dating and they express fears about drugs and alcohol. Some, Bannister says, are worried about the age gap between their son or daughter and the person they’re dating. Some parents also express concerns their child may be involved in an abusive relationship.
Bannister urges parents to keep the lines of communication open with their teens at all times. Don’t wait until there’s a problem, she says.
Show an interest in all aspects of a teen’s social life. It’s important to take the focus off the person they’re dating.
"If it’s about all aspects of their social and dating life then they won’t get suspicious and start to pull away."
When you are talking, she says, do so in a casual environment. Choose places such as the dinner table or in the car. Do more listening than talking. Ask questions and listen to everything they have to say before you speak, Bannister says. Let them know you understand their emotions.
Talk to your teens early about values and beliefs around important subjects. Be clear about your own values and let them know you understand they may be questioning their own values and beliefs.
A lot of parents come looking for help after problems arise. It’s not too late to set ground rules.
Before your teen goes out, ask them to tell you who they will be with, where they are going, what they’ll be doing, when they expect to return home and how they will travel to and from their social engagement.
Many teens date or are involved in steady relationships. But some may not understand the difference between healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships.